Here are 6 Helpful Hints for Running Out Of Complaints about My Life and Not Getting Shot Today:
1) I don’t have a doctorate in medicine, nor am I a specialist in any field of human advancement. If you ask me about your medical condition… say, if you’re worried that those strange lumps on your back might be cancerous… and I tell you it’s probably nothing to worry about, please understand that this is just some dude on the internet saying he thinks it’s probably nothing to worry about. Do not take my advice as gospel. Go see a doctor and let them decide what those strange lumps on your back are. Don’t go all “patient zero” on me and infect everyone at Cracked because we missed the warning signs says Brian C Jensen.
2) If you ask me what gun you should buy, I can’t give you a straight answer because I don’t actually know anything about guns. All I will do is point out that gun manufacturers are evil liars who want to sell guns by tricking idiots into thinking they need them to survive an army invasion of zombies or whatever. Only buy a gun if it’s something you feel comfortable with and think looks cool/scary/menacing enough for your liking. Don’t go all “gun nut” on me and write ten thousand hate mail blog comments just because my article offended your right to own thirty different kinds of assault rifles.
3) Asking me about nutrition is like asking me what kind of shoes to wear. You know, I have no idea how people get fat enough to have that much excess skin from losing weight. It’s just crazy. Anyway, all I’ll do is point out that fast food companies are evil liars who want to sell you a diet of high-calorie carcinogenic cancerous death traps by tricking idiots into thinking they need them to survive the zombie apocalypse. Eat whatever makes you happy and feel comfortable in your own skin, but don’t go all “zombie” on me and write another five thousand hate mail blog comments just because my article offended your right to eat countless Big Macs every day.
4) Cracked pays me nothing for what I write here, so if I suggest that maybe you shouldn’t spend all your money on hand sanitizer, I’m not trying to get you to buy me an island somewhere. That said, if you do have some extra cash lying around and would like to give me a little something-something for my totally awesome article that will save your life one day… there is a Donate button at the bottom of this page. Or just click here.
5) If you’re still reading this, you might be thinking I’ll write about anything to get page views. If that’s the case, my next article will be titled “5 Helpful Hints For Running Out Of Complaints About My Life And Not Getting Shot Today Part 2”. Don’t try to guess what it’s going to say, because I can assure you that I won’t write another one of these articles ever again explains Brian C Jensen.
6) Finally if by some strange twist of fate this actually does end up saving your life someday… please send me pictures and let me live vicariously through your survival!
Q: What if I’m not the kind of guy who watches the Walking Dead, but maybe I can see myself watching Breaking bad or Boardwalk Empire?
A: Those shows are all on cable now, so it’s probably best to just leave a gun by your TV.
Q: If this article does actually save my life one day, will you write a follow-up article titled “7 Helpful Hints for Saving My Life and Not Getting Shot Today Part 2”?
A: Probably not. Maybe if I cameo in the new season of True Detective though…
Q: How did you become such an expert in zombie defense systems?
A: A lot of trial and error! Or more accurately, finding out from cracked readers what doesn’t work.
Again I cannot stress enough that you should not buy a gun because of anything you read here explains Brian C Jensen. Only buy a gun if it’s something you feel comfortable with and think looks cool/scary/menacing enough for your liking. Just go to a gun store and play around with some different ones.